Ten Days of Apologies

By Heshy Friedman for JewishMag.com

The ten days beginning with Rosh Hashanah and concluding with Yom Kippur are known as the “Ten Days of Penitence.” Maimonides, codifier of Jewish law, describes how one should do teshuva (penitence). The individual must admit his/her sin, be ashamed of the transgression, and resolve never to do it again. If one has hurt another person physically or financially, paying the victim is necessary but not sufficient. The perpetrator must ask the victim for forgiveness and show sincere remorse. Apologies are an important part of these holy days.

Let us examine what is arguably the worst apology ever. It was on an episode of the classic television show, the Honeymooners. Ralph Kramden is apologizing to his wife, Alice, for calling her mother a blabbermouth:

Hello, Alice. This is me, Ralph. Alice, I'm sorry. I'm miserable without you. Please come back to me, Alice. I apologize for everything I said. I even apologize to your mother. I know she doesn't mean the things she says, Alice. It's just her nature. She doesn't mean to be mean. She's just born that way. When she says things about your old boyfriends and about the furniture in the apartment, I know that she doesn't mean to get me mad. She's just naturally mean, that's all. When she spilled the beans about the end of the play, I shouldn't have got mad at that. I should've expected it from her. I know how she is. She's never gonna be any different, Alice! She's gonna be the same old way, Alice! SHE'S A BLABBERMOUTH, ALICE! A BLABBERMOUTH!

Before apologizing, it might be a good idea to view this video clip so that you know what not to do. That is clearly not the way to show remorse. Neither is telling someone, “I am sorry you feel that way,” or stating that “If anyone has been hurt by my actions, I am sorry.” The fictional television character, Sheldon Cooper’s apology to Dr. Gablehauser, his boss, in the “The Big Bang Theory” is not much better than Ralph Kramden’s: “We may have gotten off on the wrong foot when I called you an idiot. I was wrong... to point it out.”

Remorse is about wishing the past mistake had not occurred and making sure it never happens again. Some use the acronym of the “Five R’s as a way to remember what needs to be done: Recognition, Remorse, Repentance, Restitution, and Request for forgiveness. According to researchers in the area, the main reason that people do not apologize is because they are afraid the apology will be seen as a sign of weakness and/or guilt. In reality, an apology indicates great strength as it is a munificent act that restores and rehabilitates the self-concept of the offended party.

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